Zaphod's Just This Guy, You Know?
by Little Witch
Summary: Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy and Harry Potter crossover. Just before the world ended, a completely reliable source (Professor Colonal Sybil Trelawney) tells Hogwarts of the impending doom. Somehow they escape, and by chance pick up three hitch hikers.
1. The World Is Going To End

Untitled

Zaphod's Just this Guy, You Know?

The Vogon Constructor Fleet destroyed the planet Earth a mere twenty-two years ago, which may seem like an awful long time to you, but it is in fact the equivalent of one week in Brazon years.

When the Earth was destroyed, it was apparent that only two ape-descendents escaped. These were of course, Trillion and Arthur Dent.

This is not true.

For in actual fact, over one thousand other ape-descendents also escaped. These were a vast collection of Witches and Wizards. It is widely believed by most ape-descendents that anything to do with the supernatural does not exist.

This is not true.

This is what the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy has to say about Witches and Wizards:

"These supernatural beings, so called Witches and Wizards, in fact do not exist. They were in fact brought about by crude storytelling methods of the early Galaxy years."

This is of course not true, which is why Ford Prefect was doing field research for a revised version of the book, which conveniently has the words "DON'T PANIC" written on the front in large friendly letters.

Now, I suppose you're beginning to wonder, how on Earth (or off Earth depending which sector of the Galaxy you are from) over one thousand Witches and Wizards managed to escape from the fate being blown up.

You are probably considering two possibilities. These possibilities would be that these thousand or so Witches and Wizards conveniently got drunk at a party in a small Islington Flat, got chatted up by Zaphod Beeblebrox and went with him first to bed, then to the space ship that he stole. Or you could be thinking that these thousand or so Witches and Wizards have each got a best friend who is not in fact from Earth, but from somewhere in the region of Betelgeuse.

These two assumptions are, in fact, not true.

The Witches and Wizards had earlier on in the doomed year been informed by a very reliable source (Professor Colonel Sybil Trelawney) that the Earth was going to be blown up. From this information, the headmaster of a small (in terms of the Brazon's) Wizarding school acted upon this information, and turned the school into a very large and very modern spaceship. Classes went on as normal, though nobody was ever allowed to leave.

When Professor Commander Albus Dumbledore made this decision, about fifty or so prospective parents were looking around the school. So they of course couldn't leave, and were condemned to eke out the rest of their existence in this very new, very modern spaceship. This of course was quite good in a way, because otherwise they would have been blown up.

Thousands of extra rooms were added onto the school-spaceship to accommodate all the new babies that were being born.

The day that the earth was to end, was the day of graduation for the seventh year students. Of course, they couldn't graduate far, only down the corridor to the apartment blocks.

But, it was this day, and as a certain James Potter was receiving his certificate, a loud voice rang out through the new thoroughly modern Great Hall.

This voice was of the head of the Vogon Constructor Fleet and he was informing the people of Earth of the imposing destruction.

Once the Vogon had finished his message, it was all action stations in the thoroughly modern and new school-spaceship.

Dumbledore headed off to the Main Control Room (which was in fact a disused broom cupboard) and began to manoeuvre off the Earth. Just as the huge ship was airborne, the Earth exploded. It was quite fortunate really.

Though it wasn't quite as fortunate for a certain Wizard named Severus Snape.

He had just popped outside the super modern school-spaceship to see where the big voice was coming from, and the ultra-modernized very hoopy school-spaceship left without him. There is of course no need to say what happened to him.

Now, many of you will have read a book called "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone" (the third biggest seller in the year of 1998, coming in third to The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy and "Oh Dear, Where Has God Gone?) and you will of course know that a family called the Potter's were killed by a Wizard named Voldemort.

This is, of course, is not true.

Lily Evans and James Potter still married (on the ultra modern school-spaceship) and Lily still conceived baby Harry (after a night of heavy drinking with their good friend Sirius Black), but the difference was that they were not killed. This was due to the fact that the Wizard named Voldemort was himself killed by the explosion of Earth on that fateful Thursday morning.

The year our story begins is 2000. On a day in summer of this year, everyone was going about their normal business; lounging around their apartments all day, playing video games in which big space ships blow up little spaceships. What the people playing on these games did not know was that somehow in the space and time continuum, they were in fact, shooting at real spaceships, destroying many of them.

But, we digress. Back to the story. On this day, everyone was going about their normal business, when all of a sudden Professor Corporal Flitwick got wind of a message. He then, passed this message on to Professor Commander Albus Dumbledore.

"Professor Commander. May I have your permission to relay a message?"

"Yes, go ahead, Professor Corporal Flitwick." Replied the commander.

"Guard Malfoy Number two has reported sightings of three alleged hitch hikers. He is awaiting orders from you."

"I see." Said the commander, stroking his goatee thoughtfully (he had to cut his long beard, it kept getting tangled up with the control levers). "Tell Guard Malfoy Number Two to bring them up here for me to interrogate."

"Yes Sir." Professor Corporal Flitwick left the Main Control room and made his way down to Bay Four to relay the relay of the relayed message.

When her got there, he told Guard Malfoy Number Two to take the three Hitch Hikers up to see Professor Commander Dumbledore.

"Who are they?" Professor Corporal asked in an undertone.

"Well," replied Guard Malfoy Number Two, one seems to have a perfectly normal name, Arthur Dent, the other seems to be named after a car, Ford Prefect and the last has a very strange name, Zaphod Beeblebrox. Oh yes, I must warn you, he has two heads.

"Zaphod Beeblebrox. What a preposterous name!" Professor Corporal Flitwick said, "who is he?"

"Well Zaphod's just this guy, you know?" said Guide Malfoy Number Two.

And with that, Professor Corporal Flitwick led the three Hitch Hikers to the Main Control Room. 


	2. Marvin The Paranoid Android

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A/N I'm so glad so many of you liked this story! Thankyou all for your kind reviews. Also, as answer to a question that was asked: Lily Weasley asked "If Sirius is Harry's father, how is he the spitting image of James?" – you misunderstood. What I mean was that Lily and James had been round at a party at Sirius's place and they had got drunk. Because they were drunk, they lost their inhibitions, and Harry was conceived between Lily and James. Anyway, on with the story!

Zaphod's Just this Guy, You Know?

Part 2

"Professor Commander Dumbledore. Here are the Hitch Hikers we picked up whilst travelling through Sector Seven." said Guard Malfoy Number Two.

"Thankyou Guard Malfoy Number Two. You may go now." Replied Professor Commander Dumbledore.

Guard Malfoy Number Two left, leaving behind the three Hitch Hikers who were now examining all the control desks.

"Hey, this place is hoopy." Said the one with two heads.

According to the Hitch Hikers Guide to The Galaxy, the fact that a human being has two heads, would in fact suggest that the said human being was in fact not a human being, but an alien.

For once, this is true.

For Zaphod Beeblebrox was in fact an alien.

"Hi Guys. This is Eddie, your shipboard computer, I just wanted to let you all know that we're approaching the ground at an alarmingly fast rate. We're going to crash in 5 minutes."

"Eddie?" one of the Hitch Hikers (who is now to be called Ford Prefect) said.

"Hi guys."

"What are you doing here? This isn't The Heart Of Gold."

"I know. You guys were getting unbearable to live with, so I applied for a divorce."

"We were never married."

"Exactly. That was why it was so easy to get a divorce." Replied Eddie.

"I've been floating around in space for the past five years, and now I think I'm going mad." Said the third and final Hitch Hiker, who by process of elimination, is Arthur Dent.

"Hey, shut up Monkey Man. Didn't you hear what the crazy computer said? We're going to crash." Said Zaphod.

"Eddie?" asked Dumbledore.

"Share and Enjoy, guys, Share and Enjoy."

"What planet are we going to crash into?" Dumbledore said, trying to be patient.

"Earth of course." Replied the computer.

Those of you who have read The Hitch Hikers Guide to The Galaxy, will know that this is quite impossible.

This is not true.

After travelling in space for many years, the ultra modern School/Spaceship had passed through a large black hole that had inevitably sucked them into the past. So instead of being in the year 2001, they had gone back in time to the year 1960.

"So you're telling me that we've gone back in time 41 years? Now I know I'm going mad." Arthur said.

"MARVIN!" Dumbledore yelled.

"Coming, coming." Replied the paranoid android.

Slowly the android made his way from the adjoining room (which was a toilet [what else would adjoin onto a broom cupboard?])

"Marvin!, how you doing old guy?"

"I've just worked out how to destroy the universe. I can do it now if you want." Replied the android gloomily.

"Thanks Marvin, you can destroy the universe later. Right now, I want you to go and fetch Trillion."

"Always the slave. Always the slave. Always the slave. Always the slave. Always the slave. Always the slave." Marvin wondered out into the corridor, muttering this under his breath.

According to the laws of Physics, the fact that the announcement made by Eddie ten minutes ago that the spaceship was going to crash in five minutes, the spaceship should have crashed by now. Of course, this hasn't happened, otherwise there would have been a resounding bang. The reason that it hasn't crashed is because there needed to be time for us to tell the story.

Now, even though the spaceship was supposed to crash six minutes, thirty five seconds ago, doesn't matter, because it has now been revealed that the spaceship won't crash at all.

Far away, at the other end of the spaceship, were the apartments.

Here lived al the survivors of the Earth crash.

In flat 7 B, lived Harry Potter and his girlfriend, (who's identity will not yet be revealed).

In the five minutes after the five minutes when the spaceship was supposed to crash, Harry Potter and his girlfriend (who's identity still won't be revealed) were doing something you can't do until you have reached sixteen years of age. The fact that they were doing this, caused the spaceship to shift positions, so they no longer were going to crash into the Earth of sixty years ago.

Marvin, who had been sent on a mission to find Trillion, eventually found her with Sirius Black in Apartment 24 D.

"Trillion. Professor Commander Dumbledore wishes to see you."

"I'll be right along Marvin. Go and tell him that." Replied Trillion.

"Okay. I'll just tell him and Zaphod and Arthur and Ford what you're doing with Sirius Black and then I'll tell them you're here and they can come and find you. It doesn't matter. I'm a slave with the largest brain in the universe. It doesn't matter."

"Marvin, did you say Zaphod's here?" Trillion asked.

"Yes."

"Why is he here?" Trillion asked.

"Well, Zaphod's just this guy, you know?" Marvin replied. Then he turned and trundled off down the corridor to report back to Professor Commander Dumbledore.


End file.
